You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
