bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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