I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
