yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
