$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
