Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
