god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
