This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
