Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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