Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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