I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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