I think my fart just growled at me.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
