So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
