You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
