I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
