WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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