just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
