I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
