He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
