The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I don't deserve a penis
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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