My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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