Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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