i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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