I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize