I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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