She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
