and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
