I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
