So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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