Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
