Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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