thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
