the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
