His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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