Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
