Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
