that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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