his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
