Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
