Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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