we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
