there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
