your parents love me but you hate me
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
