i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
