dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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