i jhust puked up my retainher.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
