I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
