Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
