I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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