my phone needs a breathalizer
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
