i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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