It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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