If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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