I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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