Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
