I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
