Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
