fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
